Well, I said I'd do it, and here it is. If you have a dead baby, or have a baby that died, or ARE a dead baby, you might be bothered by the subject of this Deadbaby Flamebait entry, which is dead babies. If you have an emotional sensitivity to dead babies, or dead baby humor, then I emplore you to stop reading this dead baby article, and find a non-dead baby article. If you are still reading, I'd like to talk to you about dead babies. Believe it or not, my friends and I discuss dead babies quite frequently. Typically, when we are seeking a “think outside the box” solution to something, dead babies tend to find their way into the equation. This isn't a new or original thing, I realize. Jonathan Swift, noted satirist and author of Gulliver's Travels, wrote a book called A Modest Proposal. The subject? Dead Babies. He posited that we had the twin problems of over population and world hunger, and that there was a simple solution. Eat babies. Now, moral considerations aside (you'll find I often put moral considerations WELL aside when brain storming), this is brilliant. Over the years Dead Babies have been the duct tape that held together the world changing innovations my friends and I have envisioned.

First off, time travel. Here's the logic. Time travel is possible at velocities greater than the speed of light. Human beings cannot safely accelerate to that speed due to the enormous stresses that it would put on the body. Clearly, if we wished to reach superluminal speeds, we would need sturdier people. Now Jupiter has very high gravity. If we were to send humans to Jupiter for a few million generations, those that survive would be adapted to higher accelerations. By that time we would have no doubt produced craft that could utilize this sturdiness. Then we just send a few super humans into the past to speed up the process and, tada, time travel is a reality for a subset of the human race. The flaw in the theory was that no human could survive on Jupiter right now, so we'd need to find a way to reach the minimum required sturdiness necessary to live there. Solution? Babies and sledgehammers. You hit every baby with a sledgehammer at the moment of birth. The ones that survive, reproduce. A little guided evolution to get the time travel ball rolling. Dead Babies here are a side effect rather than an ingredient, but they are nonetheless integral.

“But Thunderchunk,” you say, “Everyone one knows the contributions that dead babies have made to the world of nutrition and science. Won't you teach us anything new?” But of course! Let's say, for instance, you were besieged by dingos in the Australian outback. You might be in a real pickle. That is, unless you happen to have a dead baby! It turns out the dingos love those things! Can't get enough of them, really. Toss that baby aside and watch them scramble for it, problem solved. What's that? Dingo decoy not good enough for you? Fine. Here's a useful list of things Dead Babies are good for.
Lubricant: Baby blood has a much lower viscosity than adult blood, making it top notch for keeping that lawn mower running smooth.
Halloween Decorations: Want to be then envy of your neighborhood? Toss a few dead babies on the porch for an extra holiday fright. For best results, leave out for a few weeks prior to allow them to “ripen.”
Wheel Chucks: Working on your car in the driveway? Wedge some dead babies under each wheel to prevent the car from rolling away. Won't mar your expensive white walls like metal chucks can.
Vampire Appetizers: Won't your vampire friends be delighted when you put out a plump spread of dead babies at your next get together.
Baby Oil: Where do YOU think it comes from?

I tell you, there is no END to the good that dead babies can do. Heck, just having one by the door to show to unwanted visitors is reason enough to keep one around. You've never seen a Jehova's Witness leave faster than when they see you dangling a dead baby in front of them. By now you are probably all revved up at the usefulness of dead babies and want to know where you can find one. Well that, my friend, is a little tricky. While in many other countries dead babies are available year round, here in America you can only really get fresh ones when they are in season. Dead Baby season coincides with prom season, and the precious little things can generally be found inside garbage bags in dumpsters around large halls and restaurants. You'll want to do your harvesting between 9 PM and 11 PM. Much earlier and the harvest may not be ready, much later and the raccoons might be at them. Follow those simple rules and you will be knee deep in dead babies in no time.

There... that's that. Well. I feel dirty. Don't forget to post your horrified and hateful replies! Remember, your opinion matters. DEAD BABIES!